Life seems to fly by in an instant. One minute you’re sixteen and dreaming of a fabulous career where get paid wads of money to travel and have a good time (the actual ‘work’ bit is a somewhat vague) the next minute you’re fifty and broke because wads of cash have to be blown on things like mortgages, food and heating. You tell someone about a brilliant film that you saw a few months back but when you check it out it was twenty years ago. Here are seven ways to make you feel as though it’s drifting at a more leisurely pace:
1 Sell your house and buy another. One week will feel like six years. You will experience magnificent feelings of elation (you find a house you want; someone wants yours) followed by falling into the depths of despair – the seller is in a chain of twenty people and your buyers don’t want to pay your asking price which you need to buy the house of your dreams, the solicitors have gone incommunicado after a week because they’re fed up with you pestering them every day. Time will slow right down. It will take you right back to looking forward to Christmas when you were six.
2 Take up meditation. One minute feels like an hour. The seconds become minutes as you check your activity tracker constantly and think about what you’re going to make for tea and whether you will have moved house by Christmas.
3 Look after a toddler. Repeatedly reading the same story or putting dolls into a dolls house in a very specific order (as per instructions from said toddler) will make 15 minutes feel like 3 hours.
4 When you go on holiday stay in different destinations in the same week/fortnight. When you get home you’ll feel like you’ve been away for six weeks although the meno-brain fog will kick in and you won’t remember where you’ve been.
5 Catch a bus in the rain in the winter. The fifteen minute wait will feel like two hours and on board you’ll see your life flash slowly before as you flinch away from all the people who are coughing and not wearing masks.
6 Go to see a film with your other half that they really want to see but you don’t. You will feel the newly shaved hairs on your legs grow back as you try to stay awake for twenty minute sword fights and the two hour commentary about the film when you get home will make you feels as though another day as passed by.
7 Give up drinking and then go on your work’s Christmas do. Seven o’clock will become the new midnight.